will we ever win?

World Cup Preview

Yo, so it is the time in America when some people will pretend to care about soccer, mostly as an excuse for getting drunk during the middle of a workday.  Yes, it is World Cup time, when the only sports organization more corrupt than the NCAA brings all the top international squads (plus the United States) together to determine exactly who is the best team in the world.   I am basically recycling some of the post I wrote four years ago (italics) on the top 10 players in the world.  Again I won’t pretend to know much more about soccer than what my prepubescent self learned while playing the “beautiful game” on South Jersey “pitches” during the early 1980s, I do know how to make knee jerk judgments based mostly on appearance and ethnocentricity. Hence here is a guide to some of the players who will be appearing the 2014 World Cup- based on a list compiled by noted soccer authority CBS sports.

Lionel Messi
I know this dude plays for Barcalona and basically jukes defenders out of their jocks. He also has the stereotypical swarmy, long hair, European crybaby footballer look, even though he is from Argentina. While he does indeed have the look, I am sure the guy must be tough because if I was the coach of some low level opponent I’d encourage hard tackles plus the occasional forearm to Messi’s head all match long. I also like to think that this dude has not produced in international competition like he does in club football, but that is probably wishful thinking.

While most of this holds true (he has shorter hair these days), Messi is the undisputed greatest player in the world with the greatest cleats ever constructed.

Cristiano Ronaldo
This guy plays for Portugal. Along with being a great soccer player he is famous for being handsome, diving, owning a fashion boutique and 2006 incident involving a Wayne Rooney red card in a Portugal-England game. Negative press form the incident might have been a reason for Ronaldo moving on from Manchester United to Real Madrid. That and 132 million dollars.

All of this still holds true, but Ronaldo is somehow now more handsome and more rich than he was 4 years ago.   He also came up huge in what amounted to a world cup play-in game versus Sweden and the The Zlatan, scoring three goals.


Neymar Jr.
This small, young dude plays for Brazil.  He is very fast and agile and gritty and any other adjective that applies to little guys who play sports.   Here is a highlight video which also reveals Neymar has been known to sport a haircut that would not look out of place at Hot Topic.  He recently moved from Santos to top team Barcalona, which undoubtedly sharpened his game.  Still I wonder why he is isn’t called Lil’ Neymar.

Luis Suarez
A great goal scorer who plays for Uruguay.  He is also one of the most hated players in the world, a dirty, diving crybaby who twice bit an opponent during play.

Andres Iniesta
... dudes play for Spain ... one is going bald.  Now going balder but still on the best team.

Clint Dempsey
Seriously CBS, dude plays for America.  “Duece” also starred in this interesting Nike advertisement.

Arjen Robben
Unoriginally nicknamed the Flying Dutchman, this dude scored a million goals for top club team Bayern Munich.  According to the PhDs in the youtube comments he doesn’t pass, thus he is like Kobe.

Mario Balotelli
This guy may best be compared to TO, in that he is a great player who may or may not be mentally ill.  The fact that he is a Black dude who plays for Italy may also influence some fans impressions of his play.  Balotelli was once involved in a car accident while carrying 5000 British pounds, because, as he told police, “he is rich”.  He also set his house ablaze shooting off fireworks, crashed a press conference of his old team, and was subject of a rap song.

Mesut Ozil
German Midfielder who is recovering from a hamstring injury.  He is the top playmaker on a strong German squad.  Boring and efficient, like the stereotype.  Highlights are here.

Wayne Rooney
Rooney looks more like a typical hooligan than player, which is probably one of the keys to his popularity. Rooney plays club football for Manchester United, who suck for all the same reasons the NY Yankees suck. In the 4 years since South Africa, Rooney got hair plugs and enjoyed a career renaissance, even as Manchester United went into the toilet.